I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
