Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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