I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
