If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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