I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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