Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Randomize
