I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
