it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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