It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
