Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
