She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
