Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Randomize
