So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
