just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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