Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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