Define "chronic" masturbator.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
