Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
