my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
