Four minutes until I can fart!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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