so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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