I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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