I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
