That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
