I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
