hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
