i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
operation have a gay friend backfired
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize