I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
