So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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