after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
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