Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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