he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
