You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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