I think my fart just growled at me.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
