His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
