"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
