there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
