I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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