So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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