My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
