4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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