you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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