I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
