i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just googled if crying burns calories
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
