I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
