Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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