i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
