I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Drunk is not a location!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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