These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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