i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He did a backflip because drugs
Come on in and take your pants off
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