I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
