all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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