Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
