Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
