Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
