I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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