i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
