Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
