The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
