I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
