Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
