I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
