I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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