I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
