New low: just hacked my moms facebook
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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