Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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