Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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