I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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